I read a fair number of blogs and download a ton of stuff. Scrolling and display ads that are tied into my browsing patterns are just a fact of life. They bug, sure, but no worse than anything else — except when fucking ad.pointroll or whatever the hell it is slows down my email to 1996 speeds. Well, in addition to the hardcore porn that pops up whenever I am trying to download something wholesome, like radio comedy programs. Because that’s just weird.*
Inevitably, the mathematical probability system spits up something I would never ever EVER want to deal with, think about, or imagine, much less purchase. Horrible things from the ASPCA about bear-baiting and mistreated baby elephants? Jesus, I’m just trying to read some gossip about various Kardashians here. I’d rather not have the side of soul-crushing guilt and depression about the dismal state of the world with my inbox, thanks all the same.
Of course, problems start to arise when these scrolling and side-bar ads mistake you for someone that you’re not. Which is to say, I am indeed a huge softie who is genuinely upset about the clubbing of baby seals or the plight of abused pit bulls.**
But Facebook, for reals, I don’t actually give two shits about the “Connecting Church & Home Conference” being held at the Louisville Southern Seminary, and which promises to teach me about “family equipping” for pastors and parents.*** My new thing is to click on “report this ad” and tell Facebook that I find all their proselytizing bullshit “offensive” (rather than “Not interested” or “Did not apply to me.”) It’s a bit like the time a friend posted a Facebook link to some Glenn Beck book for sale on Amazon and for a good three weeks, all my algorithms had turned me into a government-hating xenophobic monster.
But anyone who knows me should be fully cognizant that clompy, hideous, fully impractical and yet the antithesis of hot shoes (such as these pictured above) don’t make me want to click through to anything. Conversions are a long way off, buddy, if this is what you’ve got on offer.
*I have seen enough pictures of CoCo to know what causes camel toe. I don’t need the ass-bare view of the deets.
**Plus, the fact that it is Nigel Barker telling me about his experiences with the baby seals in Canada somehow makes it that much worse. He should stick to being a sleaze on Top Model, no?
***Family equipping? What does that even MEAN!?