drinks in bars

I know, I know. But this is SO VERY TRUE.

I speak from years of experience waiting tables at a dive-y bar, which were full of exchanges like the following:

What can I get you?

Do you have any specials?

No.

Well, what’s a good shot then?

[Jesus.] I don’t know. A Kamikaze? A Jagerbomb? [A punch in the face?]

Hmmmm. How much is a Miller Light?

$2.50

How much is an Amstel Light?

$3.75

What kind of vodka do you have?

[BITCH JUST ORDER SOMETHING]

The usual…Ketel, Absolut, Grey Goose, Belvedere….

Hmm. What are you guys getting?

[WOMAN. IT’S A COCKTAIL FOR FUCK’S SAKE. NOT A MARRIAGE OR AN EMPLOYMENT CONTRACT.]

Okay, let me get a well vodka with a splash of cranberry and a splash of grapefruit.

So, a Sea Breeze?

Oh, it has a name?

Yeah, that’s its name. That it? [turning to leave]

On second thought.

[FUCK]

Can I get an Irish coffee?

Really?

Yeah, that sounds good.

Sure, fine. I just have to go brew some coffee.

Oh, do you have decaf?

[WOMAN. YOU ARE GETTING DRUNK AT A DIVE BAR. DECAF???]

Yeah, sure. [Lies, all lies]

Okay, great.

[Puts in order, makes coffee, finds the ONE FLAGON-LIKE GLASS we keep for Irish coffee, tops said disgusting abomination of a bar beverage with whipped cream that has been sitting in the beer cooler for 2 months. Ugh. Serves drink.]

Okay, that’s $5.50.

Really?

Um, yeah.

Wow, that’s expensive.

Well, I don’t set the prices.

Okay, here’s six. Keep the change.

Great, thanks. [Resolves never to return to this table again.]

Oh, miss?

[MISS? JESUS.]

Yo.

Could you wipe this table off? It’s kind of sticky?

[OH. MY. GOD. If you want customer service, go to fucking Applebee’s.]

Fine, sure.*

When the bartenders would leave me alone** so they could get food or smoke a bowl or walk their dogs or what have you, I instituted my own set of completely arbitrary rules, namely: I will make you a cocktail, provided it contains exactly two things, i.e. gin+tonic, vodka+cran, rum+coke. No “splash of this” or any of that bullshit. Or you can have a beer that comes in a bottle. Or a Coke. Those are your options.

*This may have been exaggerated for comedic effect. But not much.

**Granted, never during a rush, because I can’t actually pour a draft beer. Or open a bottle of wine. Or properly gauge the amount of booze that goes into a standard cocktail. No wonder I never got promoted. Hmmm.

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One response to “drinks in bars

  1. oh my god, those are the best arbitrary rules ever. thank you for the shouty bits.