forget 2012

The end of the world is nigh, motherfuckers.

As if things weren’t bad enough, Russian professor predicts the end of U.S.

The Russians are known for producing brilliant theories (Eisenstein, Bakunin, Jakobson) as well as crackpot ones (Marr, Lysenko, Lushkov). This definitely falls into the latter category.

A polite and cheerful man with a buzz cut, Mr. Panarin insists he does not dislike Americans. But he warns that the outlook for them is dire.

“There’s a 55-45% chance right now that disintegration will occur,” he says. “One could rejoice in that process,” he adds, poker-faced. “But if we’re talking reasonably, it’s not the best scenario — for Russia.” Though Russia would become more powerful on the global stage, he says, its economy would suffer because it currently depends heavily on the dollar and on trade with the U.S.

Mr. Panarin posits, in brief, that mass immigration, economic decline, and moral degradation will trigger a civil war next fall and the collapse of the dollar. Around the end of June 2010, or early July, he says, the U.S. will break into six pieces — with Alaska reverting to Russian control.

Along with the accusation of moral degradation, several points are funny here:

a) Russia gets Alaska back. They can fucking take Palin, as far as I’m concerned.

b) States, such as Michigan and Montana — that have notoriously been known for supporting militias who love to wave their second amendment rights around in compounds which should by all rights be called Crazy Batshit Delusion Land, who plan to rise up against the invading Canadian-UN armed forces — will, in this scenario, be taken over by Canada. I find this amusing, not in the least because CANADA IS NEVER GOING TO INVADE THE UNITED STATES IN A MILLION YEARS. Didn’t we get over this shit during the War of 1812?

c) Texas will never, ever, ever cede anything to Mexico. I could actually see Texas’s sphere of influence spreading very far into northern Mexico, because they are just like that, with the eminent domain and the manifest destiny and the barbecued brisket and white bread on the side instead of buns and all-beef chili…oh. That’s not really political, is it? Ignore that.

4) My home state, along with a fairly large chunk of the mid-South and all the mid-Atlantic states, will apparently become part of the EU. Now, while this would make getting a work visa to the UK substantially easier for me, out of all possible scenarios, this one is just too implausible. Because I guarantee you that people from the EU would take one look at the likes of the Jersey Shore kids* and run screaming and flailing wildly, like they had fire ants running up their collective pant legs, in the opposite direction. So, no.

Not that this guy is right, or anything, but if he is…national splintering in….5….4…3…

* In news no less important than the Wikileaks fiasco,  J Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww’s high-end skank clothing line, Filthy Couture is now available for pre-order! It takes the hot mess of Heidwood to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL.Plus, the ho shizz don’t come cheap.

This hot mess goes by the name “Violet Desire” — which sounds to me like one of those aerosol imitations of mid-priced perfume, decorated with barbershop swirls with copy that reads “Do you like Paris Hilton’s Fairy Dust? Then you’ll love Violet Desire, only $2.29 at participating retailers!” One of its selling points, along with “European stretch lace” and “genuine Swarovksi crystals” is, brace yourself, “Ties in back.”

For the bargain price of $319!

Guess I know what to get along with the fake boobs and belly piercing I’m planning on getting, stat. God, no wonder the rest of the world hates us.

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