more things that should not be allowed

Okay, so standing in line at the liquor store the other day, my eye alit on an endcap of some fancy French vodka. Bottles that are clearly trying to capture some of the cachet of Bombay Sapphire, copy on the website that touts the purity of the grain, the distillation of clear mountain water into some high-quality ethanol.

Fine, whatever. I’m fairly certain that the market for top-shelf super premium vodka is pretty much saturated, and that the constant proliferation of brands has got to wind down sometime (please? please?).

Then I looked more closely at the bottles. Flavors include the usual fruity shit (berry things, mango, citrus) and some combinations thereof (tropical punch, cherry-lemon, mixed berry). Fairly sure that all of these are gross in their own special way. But, oh, wait, this supposedly ‘high end’ vodka company has decided to up the ante with flavors not found in nature (butterscotch, root beer, and cotton candy), and they have also decided that THIS was a good idea–

Now. Now. As someone who has drank and then hurled up plenty of chocolate martinis in her time,* I can perhaps see that there is a niche market for this particular flavor, which is proudly touted as being “quadruple distilled” from spring water. So my question, really, is WHY? Why bother making what adds up to supposedly super premium vodka only to doctor it with not just “whipped cream” flavor, but “artificial whipped cream flavor”? I also fail to see how the aforementioned recipe could be handed down from “generation to generation” since Cool Whip only first appeared in 1967.

It is these things that make me glad I’m not a cocktail waitress anymore.

*It always seems like such a good idea, doesn’t it? It’s late, you’re wasted. You want french fries and ice cream. Unless you’re somewhere super swank, some fried food is almost always forthcoming. And there’s no chance of a milkshake or whatever, so you think, “I know, I’ll order a sickly-sweet cocktail! That will satisfy the urge for ice cream.” Which it does, until you realize that chocolate martinis and all their kin and affines are evil and will make you sick. Probably instantaneously, so don’t cave in to the urge. Here endeth the lesson.


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